Today I feel very sad. I can’t even sleep. I feel like sitting and crying. I feel so alone in this and feel that there is no one I can reach out to at this hour. It is just about 3 am. And who would I call anyways? Who would want to listen. I am afraid to admit my weaknesses … or thorn in the side as the Apostle Paul would say … cuz I am afraid that people might not want to hang out with me if they knew how strange I really am.
However there is one who does know and does accept me just as I am. He don’t care that I am strange and damaged cuz of trauma that was beyond what my mind was able to handle. He is always there. Even when I can’t feel him … or see him ... like right now lol. He has not abandoned me. He is here when I need him and I need to remind myself of this truth more often. He knows me by name as I know him too. His name is Jesus and he is the son of the Living God!!!! The only God!!!!
Oh Lord, my God and Saviour, please reassure me of your love at this time. I really need to feel it right about now. I know that your grace is sufficient for me and that your love will carry me thru this. Please Lord help me sleep well tonight. I love you and want to but my every care into your capable hands for my hands are not strong enough to be able to hold this weight and my shoulders too are not strong enough to carry it. Help me to throw all my care upon you and to stop picking up the excess weight that I bring to you. Often I feel as though I bring you my worries and fears and then I pick it up and take it with me again when I go back to my everyday work. Help me to learn to stop doing that. Help me to also trust all my relationships into your care before I destroy them … especially those that mean the most to me. Help me to be honest especially to myself about my short comings and to allow my weakness to be made perfect in your strength. And to rely on you and not on my own understanding.
You take care of my every need … not wants necessarily … but all my needs and I am very grateful to you for this. But even so … you did say that if we abide in you and allow your word to abide in us that we can ask what we will and it will be done unto us. Lord, you know the desires of my heart. They cry out to you day and night. I pray that you will give me the desires of my heart but only if you feel that in the long run they will be for my benefit. I know that all that happens to me is not for my destruction but rather for my benefit. Help me to know this and to trust you. Help me have faith in you that you’ll only look out for my best interest. Forgive my lack of faith.
Lord you know the plans I have made for Aurora's and my next year. You know the plans you have for us. If they don’t coincide then help to blend them but to stay completely in the parameters of your will and your will alone. Help me to accept this with all my heart.
I love you Lord and thank you for all you do for me every day!!! And for all the people you have brought into my life … people like Alvina, Penny, Ruth and Ray. I ask that you bring many more good people like them into my life. Help me to always treat them with your love and kindness as to not drive them away. Help me to show them grace, mercy, understanding and to always be very willing and ready to forgive any offences done towards me.
Again I ask that you watch over Aurora and me tonight as you do every night and keep us safe. Help me to sleep and be well rested for church in the morning. Give Pastor Brian the words to speak that will minister to my heart. Help me to learn something deep and profound from his message. Let it be a tool in your hand to improve my life for my daughter and me. And be with Ray tonight too. Bless him and make him a tremendous blessing and a good witness of your love to all he meets. Help him grow in you and in your truth everyday. I love him so much Lord. Help him to be able to see that by how I treat him. Well I will head off now Lord and rest in your peaceful arms. Be with me and give me peaceful rest I pray.
Love your child Regina
Well I’m finally getting a moment to sit down and reminisce about last weekend. It was a wonderful weekend. The first 2 days were very nice weather and the last 2 were very rainy but we managed to keep ourselves entertained. I was amazed that Ray took holidays on Friday so we could go one extra day. I liked that very much. Thursday night I suggested that we leave very early but he did not want to cuz he wanted to sleep in but then he ended up coming much earlier than I even suggested cuz he was finished sleeping. The Timmies he brought by really tasted good too.
On our way to the campsite near Kemptville, Ontario we stopped by this place that has a huge building in the shape of an apple. We went thru it and took a few pics. Then checked out their gift shop and those delicious smelling apple pies!!!! Hmmmmmmm yum yum yum!!!! But since we had been snacking for most of our trip so far we weren’t really hungry so we missed out on tasting those awesome smelling apple pies groan. Oh well, maybe next time. It would have been nice but we decided that if we had time on our way back then we would get them then. But this was not to be.
After setting up at the camp I got the place organized while Ray took aurora hiking so she’d get tired enough to go to sleep early. This break felt very good for me too. I even took her potty along and had her only in her panties to really get her training underway. It got me in a bit of a start of a routine which was really nice. I have been able to keep going with it at home as well. I don’t want to confuse her so I have to finish what I have started now. Oh I can’t wait till I’m done!
On Saturday Ray rented a canoe and we canoed for many hours. We were exhausted and sore but it was wonderful. Aurora even slept thru the trip for approximately an hour if I remember correctly. She was very good in the canoe. At first she was moving a bit much but soon settled down and we were able to stop worrying a bit about tipping. On our last trip back we stopped to swim twice, which felt so good to our sore and tired bodies. We never tipped even once!!!! This is in itself a miracle but also that I helped canoe!!!!! I’m truly amazed lol. When we got back to the tents I crouched down to open my tent and saw something sitting there in front of the opening. I stared at it for a few seconds before realizing what it was!!! IT WAS A FROG!!! Boy did I freak!!! Ray saw so much humour in this that I still fail to see. And he enjoys tormenting me about it even today and probably will for a long time yet.
On Sunday morning we locked ourselves out of the car cuz Ray had accidentally (I think) dropped the keys into the trunk. It was raining very hard and much! And it was some adventure getting the door open again lol. But eventually we did get in with the help of a coat hanger and a man from the next site over lol. After finally getting back in we went to this Christian Reformed Church in Kemptville, Ontario and then out to lunch in Ottawa. First we went for a walk taking pictures of parliament hill and then headed into Quebec. We walked all the way to Quebec!!!! Wow!!!! We went to the War Museum in Ottawa and took many pictures there. It was a wonderful experience. I highly recommend it. However the one area was really creepy cuz they have real body parts that are in a solution to keep them in good condition. You can see the bullet holes in those body parts and the hand they had it’s skin is peeling off!!! Ewwwwwww!!!!! By the time we got back to the car I was in serious pain cuz I had put on the wrong shoes groan! But by the next day I was feeling much better and today the pain is basically all gone.
Monday was a lazy wet day. Aurora and my tent really leaked on Sunday to Monday night and Ray realized Monday morning that his tent had broken, so he decided to throw it out. It had been standing on it’s last legs for a long time already. When we left we made a detour that we would half come to regret later lol. We went to this other camp site that Ray has been to many years ago and did a bit of fishing. We only caught a few small fish which we threw back. But then we realized that the time had gotten away from us and we ended up getting home a whole lot later than we planned. We stopped twice to rest our eyes for about an hour each! The second time a cop woke us up and asked us what we were doing. This made Ray jump lol. I enjoyed seeing that lol. But we made it back safely.
Now just to put the finishing touches onto the aftermath of our camping trip. I enjoyed myself with Aurora so much that I decided that every year I will be taking her camping in the great outdoors. I love to camp and doing it as natural as possible. Although I will have to invest into a fridge with a freezer so I can take meat along and lots of milk. Cuz when I go next time I plan on maybe … God willing … to go for at least 1 month. We will see how that works out though. I would love to give her a love for nature as I have. And hopefully thru this we will bond even more. This is my prayer. I’m willing to do extra things on the side to earn a bit of extra money to make sure I make this happen.
Love Regina Neufeld
My gift’s a secret, hid beneath
This golden foil and bow.
My Father wrapped it in His love
For only one to know.
My gift is very precious
And the wrapping’s precious too;
The one without the other
spoils the mystery and the clue.
For though the pressure’s strong
My God is with me from the start,
And He’ll be there with me when
I give my love, my Gift Wrapped Heart.
By James Louviere
To you there can be
No price tag attached
You are of great worth
And cannot be matched
Being loved in return
By a man like you
Would be far more beautiful
Than even the morning dew
There is nothing in my coffers
That from you I’d withhold
To be around you is a joy
You drive away the cold
With you I’ve spend much time
And done so many things
You make me feel special
Your presence gives me wings
My respect for you is large
My love for you has grown
I know you love me too
This you have often shown
In your arms I’m at home
With you protected I feel
The desires of my heart
For you are very real
Nothing in this world
Could greater joy bring
Than my days with you to spend
This makes my heart sing
Written by Regina Neufeld
for her Ray of Sunshine
The tears flow silently
Cascading down my cheeks
The pains in my heart
Have surpassed their peaks
Where is my salvation
In my greatest time of need
For protection, love and acceptance
My heart earnestly pleads
I am being haunted
By memories of my past
The emotions are so intense
And my mistakes are so vast
What can I do
Where can I go
My heart feels so heavy
As my face can’t help but show
I feel so hopeless
No longer dare I dream
Is there any good from my past
That can yet be gleamed
In the blink of an eye
Life, like a vapour, is gone
I wish my life had been different
I feel like I’m all wrong
Oh God! My God!
Where are you
Why do you feel so distant
Show me your love so true
More than anything in life
your love I want to know
To feel it’s warm embrace
And in it to grow
My past was horrific
My present at times unbearable
The near to distant future
Seems to be very unstable
What have I left undone
What more do you want from me
I feel so lost and alone
I’m blind but want to see
Give me your sight
Please restore my life
Heal all my hurts
and stop the inner strife
Where is my refuge
Where can I hide
Sometimes life is like a slope
So slippery that far I slide
My life stretches before me
Like a vast wasteland
I feel so weak and empty
I can hardly stand
I don't want to just hope
I want to believe
That you will see me through
And my pain will be relieved
There is a cry
Deep within my broken heart
And all I ask for
Is to have a new start
written by
Regina ten Brinke
There's no problem too big
There's no question too small
Just ask God in faith
He will answer them all
Not all at once
So be patient and wait
For God never comes
Too soon or too late
So trust in His wisdom
Believe in His word
There's no prayer unanswered
And no prayer unheard
So put your dearest wish
Into Gods hands today
And discuss it with Him
As you faithfully pray
Discuss it with Him
And you can be sure
Your wish will come true
If God feels your wish
Will be good for you.
Author unknown.
Life is like a trip
We take many snap shots of our time on our trips
When we get back we put those pictures into our scrapbooks
Then we reminisce over the past experiences
Lately I find myself more often going over the past
And I’ve got so many regrets
So many heartaches
And yet there are the times that are like the silver linings
People that God brought into my life
People who have been such a tremendous blessings
And have given me such good memories
Thanks be to God for each of of these people
And for the adventures I’ve had with them
